I am beyond fucking sick of feeling like absolute shit. The thought of him makes me want to cringe… i just can’t stand any of this any longer. I know i’m being stupid about all of this, clearly i should not be this fucking upset… but for some damn reason it still gets to me and i just wish it would leave me all alone, just go away please just go away and leave me. I just want him to care even the tiniest bit and when i realize he doesn’t it just eats away at me and i just want to disappear. I fucking hate all of this…. why, why can’t i just move away from him and the shit that comes with all of it. I’m sick of it and i’m exhausted and it just hurts. One stupid boy with a stupid smile is the most painful thing and it’s ridiculous and it’s the craziest thing i have ever heard of. If i was looking at myself i would for sure slap myself in the face because even i can see how foolish i look…. but my heart still hurts and i can’t fucking fix it. I can’t fix it and i don’t know who to. Counseling seems fantastic but then i have to look for a counselor, which is so very sad and pathetic at the same time. It just hurts so fucking much…. maybe tomorrow will be better… but the first day is always the hardest. I wish i didn’t see him, i wish i had been smarter and stayed away from him… five months was a long time, and i survived, why did i have to give in for that one moment and make it all not okay again… not that it was ever okay, but i could at least pretend it was. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…. please just make it go away please… i don’t want this anymore. i want to hate him, but i don’t like hating people… it’s sad. What the fuck do i do? i need to let him go…. how the fuck do i do that? how… how please just make it go away.