I am beyond fucking sick of feeling like absolute shit. The thought of him makes me want to cringe… i just can’t stand any of this any longer. I know i’m being stupid about all of this, clearly i should not be this fucking upset… but for some damn reason it still gets to me and i just wish it would leave me all alone, just go away please just go away and leave me. I just want him to care even the tiniest bit and when i realize he doesn’t it just eats away at me and i just want to disappear. I fucking hate all of this…. why, why can’t i just move away from him and the shit that comes with all of it. I’m sick of it and i’m exhausted and it just hurts. One stupid boy with a stupid smile is the most painful thing and it’s ridiculous and it’s the craziest thing i have ever heard of. If i was looking at myself i would for sure slap myself in the face because even i can see how foolish i look…. but my heart still hurts and i can’t fucking fix it. I can’t fix it and i don’t know who to. Counseling seems fantastic but then i have to look for a counselor, which is so very sad and pathetic at the same time. It just hurts so fucking much…. maybe tomorrow will be better… but the first day is always the hardest. I wish i didn’t see him, i wish i had been smarter and stayed away from him… five months was a long time, and i survived, why did i have to give in for that one moment and make it all not okay again… not that it was ever okay, but i could at least pretend it was. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…. please just make it go away please… i don’t want this anymore. i want to hate him, but i don’t like hating people… it’s sad. What the fuck do i do? i need to let him go…. how the fuck do i do that? how… how please just make it go away. 

i just figured it out… the moment i knew for sure i loved you. I was sitting in the waiting room of the ER, my legs deciding to be uncooperative… i don’t remember exactly what i was talking about at the moment, but i’d imagine i was laughing and smiling, because i had never been to the ER before, and since my injury wasn’t major, there was no reason to be upset…. Then, you walked around the corner into the waiting room. I saw you and i was surprised, even though i knew you were on your way. My heart stopped for a second, i’m sure i felt warmth and peace and i couldn’t help but smile and laugh as you walked over. It was all probably mixed with embarrassment for being in the ER but for the moment, it was perfect, everything messed up but so perfect at the same time. 

We may have said it the day before… but the moment you walked around the corner reassured me that i didn’t have to regret it. 

Then when i was standing alone on the curbside, the wind cooling the tears on my face. That’s when i became silent. Powerless… those words all of a sudden meant nothing. 

thanks for promising everything and then taking it back. one day you’ll know how it feels… but i wouldn’t wish it on you, because i know that it’s the worst feeling you could ever imagine. 

yayayayayayayayayayayyayayayayaya can’t fucking wait 

(Source: yanilavigne)

Why can’t you just go away… i want desperately to forget you. Forget everything. Sometimes it’s easier to forget the words you said or the things you did… but for some reason the memory of how i felt during those moments won’t go away. 

I wish i didn’t miss you so damn much… i mean, come to think of it… we barely knew each other… it was an insignificant amount of time compared to anything else. Yet, i fucking miss you and it sucks it’s the worst feeling. I just… sometimes i wonder why… but i know i’ll never find the answer.

one of the things i miss the most… is having someone to say goodnight too. 

I didn’t understand, not in the least bit. I think part of me didn’t want to understand. You said you didn’t feel the same way… i told you to say it, tell me to my face.

“I don’t love you…”

Fine. I find it funny that i had to MAKE you say it. Come to think of it, you didn’t break up with me…. i broke up with myself. You just nodded your head, and let me do the talking. How Brave.